The Aftermath
by hippolover1326
Summary: My interpretation of what happened after the Kim fiasco, since the show kinda left us hanging.
1. Impact

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 1 (Impact)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf. **

**This is my interpretation of what's going on in Amanda's head starting about a week after the whole Kim fiasco. **

My phone beeped at 4:30 AM on Tuesday. I checked the screen and it was Cragen. I picked up. "Yeah?" I said sleepily.

"I need you to come down to a crime scene. I wouldn't ask, but Amaro's in DC with Zara, Munch is over at Cold Case again - I swear the man works there now - and I figured since you're already at Liv's, the two of you could carpool. Wake her up and tell her to come to West 44th with you ASAP. Thanks, Rollins."

"No problem, I'll be there soon," I said, already on autopilot. I looked around. I wasn't in my own bed. I'd been living with Olivia since Kim took everything.

Once Liv and I got in the car, Olivia looked over at me. "Amanda, you okay?" Since the whole thing with Kim, Olivia had been calling me Amanda instead of Rollins. It seemed a bit patronizing to me, but I let it go.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine," I lied.

We got to the crime scene at the same time as Cragen. I walked over to his car. "What do we have, Captain?"

"Jane Doe, age about 27, found by unis. Melinda's already there, says COD is unconfirmed."

"Why is this SVU?" I said.

"Vic was carrying your card, Amanda."

I tried to think of who it could be. When we walked up to the building, a blonde figure was laying on the sidewalk. It wasn't gruesome, thank goodness. I didn't think I could handle that so early. I walked over to Melinda. "So, what do we have?" I stepped over to Melinda's other side to see the woman's face. When I saw I almost passed out. Kim.

Olivia saw it at the same time. I sprinted from the crime scene into my car and drove without thinking. Soon I arrived at he precinct. I went to the cribs. Suddenly, I was shaking and my eyes were pooling and I felt like I was going to throw up. I was crying uncontrollably, the tears streaming down my face. I'd never cried that hard in my life. Kim. Kim was dead. She played me like a violin, set me up, and lied to me. She was going to go to jail. But then she was dead.

Olivia walked in. She sat down beside me and picked up my hand, stroking it with her thumb. "Amanda. Talk to me," she said.

I was still shaking. "All my life I've had issues with control. I make a point to control everything I can. To never accept help or get emotionally attached to anyone. A little like you, I think. But then the assault with my former captain - the gambling thing - I couldn't control that and now I can't control this and I'm trapped inside my own thoughts with no where else to go and I can't do this Olivia."

"Amanda," she looked right into my clear blue eyes. Her chocolatey orbs had filled with tears too. "Look at me. You're gonna get through this. I don't care how long it takes. You're one of the strongest people I know and if I seemed rude when you first arrived, it's because you're right. After my mom and Elliot, I don't want to get close to anyone. But I want you to know that I have your back and so do the rest of the squad. We're going to help you get through this, I promise. You're not alone."

I buried my head in her shoulder. She patted my back gently. Suddenly, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. My chest hurt and I couldn't breathe and I was shaking really badly and I couldn't think.

Faintly, I heard voices.

Melinda - She's having a panic attack. Stand back...so sorry...I swear I never would've called if I'd known...To find out this way...

Cragen - Liv can you go tell the others and Amanda's mother...can't believe it...

Then everything went black.


	2. Denial

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 2 (Denial)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf. **

**Please review!**

I blinked my eyes open. I was looking into the face of Melinda Warner.

"Amanda? Can you hear me?"

I nodded, not having the strength to answer. "Wha–what happened?" I was surprised to see Melinda looking guilty as hell. "Melinda?"

"I…was the first one to arrive at the crime scene this morning," she said quietly. "I was the one who called your captain. And I swear to you, Amanda, I didn't know. Oh God, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me…"

"Melinda, you couldn't have known," I assured her. She'd never even met Kim...I looked around. Why was I sitting on a couch in Melinda's morgue? "Where – why am I here?" I asked.

"After – the crime scene, you went into a major panic attack. You're going to be fine, but I need to administer you some stress pills and a month more of mandatory psych sessions with Elizabeth Olivet."

"Oh hell no," I told her straight away.

I could see she was choosing her words carefully, almost as if I was fragile. "Why's that?"

"All she wants to know is if I'm gonna eat my gun," I explained, casting my eyes down again but not before I saw a hint of a smile on Melinda's lips. "What?"

The smile got a little bigger. "Whenever you're upset or stressed, your southern accent comes out real strong, that's all." she told me. I smiled too, but barely.

"So…" Melinda's eyes caught mine as she touched my shoulder. "Well, are you?"

"Am I what?"

"I think you know what I mean."

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, I shook my head.

When I got to Olivia's house, I found myself crying again. _Amanda_, I chastised myself, swiping at my eyes, _you've got to get it together. You've been weak enough already. How do you think the squad sees you now? Take the pills, do the therapy, move on. _The only problem was, I didn't think I could. I remembered a group shrink I'd gone to, saying how Kim didn't worry about anything so I worried about everything. Now…now Kim was dead. I didn't want to go to work but I had to appear strong.

Liv came home about an hour later with dinner. "Amanda, I brought Chinese," she announced. She saw me frantically trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

"Amanda. Look. It's okay, you know. It's okay to cry. I'm not judging you, no one is. Anyone in this situation would've broken down too. Even worse, probably."

"Shut up, Olivia." I said, and instantly felt bad. Why did I have to screw everything up? But I couldn't change anything now, so I just went into Liv's guest room and slammed the door.


	3. Pretending

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 3 (Pretending)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

I sighed. I'd screwed everything up even more than I'd thought. I wouldn't be surprised if Olivia wanted to kick me out of her house. All she'd been doing was trying to help and I, Amanda Rollins, had stuck my foot in my mouth again. As I walked over to Liv's shower, I stubbed my toe on the dresser. Already I could tell it was going to be a crappy day. Once I was dressed, I hesitantly stepped into Olivia's kitchen. "Liv?"

"Yeah?" I could hear in her voice, she wasn't mad. Olivia was amazing, really she was.

"I'm so, so sorry, I just –"

"Amanda. It's okay," she said. I nodded.

"Can I hitch a ride with you to work?"

"Ah, no. You're not going to work like that."

"Like what?" But I knew.

"Rollins, you're on psych sessions and stress pills. Not to mention, your shirt's on backwards, and your hair looks like you slept in a wind tunnel."

"Olivia, I'm going."

"Fine, you can deal with Cragen yourself when you get to work."

We got into Liv's car. "Amanda?"

"I'm fine," I said before she could continue. "I don't want to talk about it, I just want to forget."

"Let me tell you something," Olivia said. "After, well after a lot of things…" her voice trailed off and for a moment I was afraid she was going to have a flashback. "After Mom died, the assault, the Simon thing…"

I'd known her mother was a drunk who fell down the stairs and I knew about her half brother Simon. I didn't normally revel in other people's sadness, but I was almost glad Olivia had had a hard childhood too. I wasn't so alone, then. But the assault. What was that? I'd only heard it mentioned once, and that was by Fin, when he was talking to Melinda and I likely wasn't supposed to be listening anyway. "What assault?"

"I was undercover, five years ago, in a prison called Sealview. One of the guards…Lowell Harris…"

I left a space for her to continue, but she didn't. I definitely wouldn't be pressing her. It was a rare time when Liv would share something about her past.

"I wanted to forget everything, Amanda, but it doesn't work. It doesn't. You're gonna have to talk sometime. If not to me, to Elizabeth Olivet, okay?"

"No."

"Wait, weren't you supposed to have a session last night?"

I was supposed to go see Olivet the previous night, but I hadn't been able to face her again. "Yeah. But I didn't go," I offered no apologies but my voice cracked. _Now's not the time for that, Rollins!_ I sternly told myself. "I don't need to go, Olivia, I'm okay."

We arrived at the precinct. "Benson!" Cragen called. "Get your ass into my office, now!"

She walked in, presumably to be chewed out for letting me go to work. That's when I realized it possibly wasn't the best idea, after all. A couple of minutes later, he called me, in a slightly gentler tone than he'd used on Olivia. "My office?"

"Look, Amanda, this squad's been through a lot. So have you. You don't have to keep on pretending you're okay."

"I'm not pretending, Cap. It's just, talking isn't really my thing. Forgetting, is better." I gave Cragen my signature half-smile, hoping he'd believe me. More than anything, I wanted it to just be okay again. I wondered how long that was going to take. "You'll heal on your own time," Olivet would probably tell me. I didn't think I could wait that long.

"Amanda, you have at least a week of mandatory psych leave, okay?" I couldn't argue with my captain after all he'd done to help me with the Murphy/gambling issue, so I nodded. As I was leaving, Nick followed me, then Fin.

"'Manda." Fin said. I loved how he said my name, in his gruff, protective older brother voice. "Look, I think Liv and Cragen are being kind of hard on you."

Nick nodded. "Sometimes, waiting a while to talk is okay. But not too long, all right?"

Fin looked at me. "How much has Liv told you about Sealview?"

"Not much," I admitted. I was pretty sure Fin knew more. In fact, I was pretty sure he was the one who'd saved her.

"Well, she waited nearly six months to start talking about it. Not that we're recommending you do that," he paused. "I only wanted you to know how similar everyone in this squad is, personality wise. You're not alone." I nodded. "Thanks, guys."

"Rollins!" I turned around, and it was Cragen. "We all admire you for how you're handling this," he said. "I only want to tell you that you don't have to."

For once in his life, Munch didn't say anything. Gosh, if this was bad enough to silence John Munch, it must be pretty noticeable. At the door out of the precinct, I saw Melinda and Barba both. Did I have to run into everyone I knew in the same 20 minutes? "Hey Amanda," Melinda said, "how you doing?"

I gave a half shrug. "All right, I guess. Captain's making me take psych leave," I made a face, and Melinda smiled. Barba's eyes knitted together ever so slightly.

"You're from the South?" he asked me. I made another face. My southern accent only came out strong when I was upset. I wasn't upset, was I? Yes, to answer that, I was. Very upset. I just didn't want anyone to know, that was the difference.

Back at Liv's apartment, I went onto the NYPD website. Here, I want to say that this is where it pays off to be the youngest detective in a squad and thus the only one with respectable computer skills. That meant that on the NYPD website, I was able to access Olivia's cases as well as mine. Totally legally, of course. Mostly. What I really wanted to do was see Kim's case file. Olivia and Nick were on that one, so it didn't show up in my file. Instead, when I opened Olivia's account, I clicked Rollins, Kim. There were columns on her case file. Name, age, place of residence, I knew most of those already. Then I got to the one I'd been dreading. COD, it said, and it was typed all in abbreviations like Melinda always did, so I knew it was her.

Rollins, Kim. COD: (said the file)…


	4. Flashback

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 4 (Flashback)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Thanks for the great reviews****,**_** Centon4Eva**_**, **_**Little Isis**_**, **_**ana**_**, and **_**Guest**_**.**

Rollins, Kim. COD: (said the file)…

I couldn't do it. I set the file down for about half a second before snatching it back up. COD: Unknown. What? That couldn't be right. I read it again. No, that was right. But when is Melinda Warner ever wrong? She practically jumps down your throat when you even suggest it! I shivered. That meant that whoever had done this was very, very, good.

I knew Melinda still had Kim in her morgue. Why hadn't I realized that when I'd been there the day before? I knew I had to go see. Quickly I grabbed my coat and drove to the precinct. I made sure the captain didn't see me because I was pretty sure he'd be mad if he did. I went in the back entrance of the precinct and then headed for the morgue.

"Amanda? What are you doing here?" Melinda asked, hastily pulling up a sheet. She walked in front of the table she was working at, trying to look nonchalant.

I turned away, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. In fact, this was a very, very bad idea. "I…I read Kim's file…and it said…it said cause of death was unknown…and…I don't know, I just walked over here…"

"You shouldn't be here," Melinda said.

"Yeah, but…I just had to know…" I replied. "Can I…Can I see her?"

"No, I don't think that's a very good idea," she told me. I didn't listen. I walked over to the table and stared into Kim's face. Her skin was a strange color. I picked up her hand. It was ice cold. Her eyes were empty and glassed over.

Suddenly, I wasn't in the morgue anymore.

_It is a week ago, and I'm in Kim's hotel room. I am yelling at her and we're both accusing each other of everything. Then I'm in my apartment. I see the bullet hitting Jeff. I see the blood spray all over the room, again and again. I see the cold, calculating eyes of Lieutenant Ed Tucker. I see Kim and Nick eating Chinese food. Then I see the bruises on her face from Jeff. I remember my reaction to Kim's pregnancy. I see myself reading the life insurance policy, over and over again until it's blurry. I listen as Kim confesses it all, recorded by Nick's cell phone. Then I see her lying dead on the sidewalk of New York. Everything is flooding back. _

"Amanda? Are you there? Look at me. Where are you?"

"Kim's…hotel…" I could barely manage the words.

"No, Amanda, you're here. At the precinct. You're having a flashback." It was Olivia. "I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder, okay? Just keep your feet on the floor. Everything's going to be okay." I felt Liv's hand on my arm and for a moment, I thought it was Jeff. I jerked away.

"Amanda, it's just me. It's just Olivia. You're going to be fine. Look at me."

My eyes locked on Olivia's chocolate ones. I think that's what eventually brought me back to reality.

"I'm driving you home," Olivia said.

We got in the car. "I saw what you had on your laptop," Olivia explained simply.

How could this get worse? "I'm really sorry, Olivia." I said. "But it said 'Cause of Death: Unknown', and I just had to know."

"When we get home, we're going to talk," Liv told me, "but right now I just want to know how you managed to access my case files."

I gave her a weak smile. "There's an advantage to being the youngest one in the squad. I've got some computer skills you wish you even knew about."

We arrived back at Olivia's apartment. I sat on her couch. Olivia handed me a cup of tea. "Talk to me, Amanda," she said.

I sighed. "Okay." And suddenly, everything began to spill out.

"First, I felt so angry at Kim that she put me through all that," I began. "Then I felt guilty that I didn't report Jeff sooner. And then I killed him. I killed him, Olivia, do you know what that's like?"

"I do, Amanda, I do."

"And then Kim set me up. And the life insurance policy. And she was going to go to jail! But she was my sister, Olivia, even after all that. I didn't want my baby sister to go through that ever! And then – and then I saw her…just lying there on the street…and then in Mel's morgue…and she was just so cold and lifeless..."

A single tear fell from Olivia's eye which prompted me to feel my own face. _Well, there goes whatever was left of my dignity,_ I thought when I realized that tears were streaming down my face.

Olivia gently pulled her fingers through my hair. I never did find out how she knew that was the one thing that calmed me down.

Finally, I just had to ask. "So Olivia…what do you know about Kim's case?"


	5. Abuse

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 5 (Abuse)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**This chapter skips ahead to the episode "Undercover Blue." Spoiler alert on Olivia's "mystery man" if you haven't watched it yet. **

The next morning at work, Olivia looked more distracted than she'd ever been. I think she finally found a date. I was happy for her. Liv deserved to be happy. Anyway, she'd been staring at the clock all day. Munch and Nick both commented on it. By the end of the day, everything had spiraled out of control when Nick accidentally revealed Olivia's mystery man was Brian Cassidy, and that he was being accused of rape. And on top of all hat, Nick had a kid. I personally thought it was really admirable that he didn't shy away from the fact that he had a son. Rather, he calmly took the necessary steps to figure out what to do.

Anyway, through all that my life had been pushed to the side, and I couldn't have been happier. Finally, no one was pressuring me to talk anymore. But there was one thing. When me and the guys had been in the cribs, I had told Nick about the research with Queens Homicide about prosecuting Cynthia's husband. As I was walking out (unfortunately, I think Nick would rather talk to, say, Fin than me) Nick called out, "Rollins?" and I think my heart stopped for a moment. I thought he'd figured it out. I don't think I would have minded too much if he did, but I guess I was glad he hadn't. Yet.

Our squad was under a microscope half the time now and I knew I'd have to keep this hushed up. It would just mean more of Elizabeth Olivet's talking me in circles and Melinda's well-meaning but misguided stress pills. See, there was a whole nother layer to this, which I didn't want anyone to find out. I had already lost my sister once. When I was nine and she was five, we were sent to different foster homes because my dad abused us. I'd lost all I'd ever known. Against all odds, we were reunited when I was fifteen and she was ten. Somehow, my parents had beat the abuse charge and we were going back home. I mean, it's no wonder I don't trust the system.

However much I'd opened up to Olivia, I never mentioned the most important part. The reason I had the hugest conscience of anyone I'd ever met. What I mean is the abuse. Kim had probably been abused even more than I had, and I just felt so guilty. I was 32. Kim is – was – 27. She was my baby sister, and I let that happen to her. I never told anyone because the abuse was all my fault. Why didn't I stop them? Why didn't I speak up? I hated myself. I thought I was the worthless piece who made it out alive, still no closer to finding Kim's killer. Or, what if it was a suicide? In her situation…The abusive boyfriend because abuse was all she knew…Turning to drugs just to forget everything…

It hit me rather suddenly, and I stepped backwards, almost is if physically pushed by the force of the guilt. I flashed back to a few conversations.

(to Olivet)

"_Why are you here, Amanda?"_

"_To make sure the department is covered if I eat my gun. I won't."_

"_Okay. Let's talk about that…"_

(to Melinda)

"_Oh hell no," _

"_Why's that?"_

"_All she wants to know is if I'm gonna eat my gun," _

"_So…well, are you?"_

"_Am I what?"_

"_I think you know what I mean."_

Now I wasn't so sure. I didn't think I could live…with all the guilt of it. Somehow, I think I knew I needed someone to tell me it wasn't my fault. I also knew I'd likely never believe it.

Whenever I used to be sad about something, my mother would always tell me I needed a man in my life. _See where that got her, _I thought bitterly. Dad hit her, just as much as us and probably more. I did have my apartment back and I knew that I'd fallen for the charming detective Amaro, but at that time I figured I didn't need a man yet. What I needed was a therapist. Not Olivet though. Maybe someone like Olivia used to trust. What was his name? George, that was it. George Huang. My life was so screwed up.

Someday, I decided, I'd like to help Nick raise his two kids. Of course, I was thinking way too far ahead, but I wanted them to have a better chance than Kim and I did. That little boy, dealing drugs already, and Zara with her crazy mom Maria. I thought Nick would be good in my life, too. He was hot-headed and compulsive, which would complement my more laid back approach.

At the time, though, I didn't think I could handle any more changes or even, ashamed as I am to admit it, the simple tasks of daily life.

Later that week, Olivia stopped me in the hallway. Before I could react, she picked up my arm.

"My God, Amanda, when's the last time you ate?" I shrugged, even though I knew exactly when and it was more than 3 days ago. Then Olivia saw my cracked, bruised knuckles. "What did you hit, Amanda?"

"A granite countertop," I told her. I'd felt so guilty for everything. I think I'd been trying to put myself through more pain, as if that would help what I put everyone else through. Anyway, I must have looked really pale or something, because then Olivia said,

"Come on, Amanda. I'm taking you to the hospital."


	6. Falling

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 6 (Falling)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Please review!**

I woke up, feeling dazed. For a second I wondered where I was. Then I realized that Olivia had taken me to the hospital. I was mad because here, I'd never get any time to research more about Kim's killer. Besides, Olivia had put a new password on her case files. Anything I wanted to know, I'd have to find out for myself.

A nurse walked in, wearing the smile I don't like. The one that says, "Well, dear, why don't you just make yourself right at home."

"Hi," she checked her clipboard, "Detective Rollins, I'm Claudia and I work here at the hospital as a therapist. Specifically for patients with, ah, trouble eating, but anytime you want to talk you just come right to me, okay?"

"I don't have trouble eating," I told Claudia.

"Sweetie, your exam turned up absolutely no food in the past 72 hours. You want to explain that to me?"

"I haven't been hungry. There's been…a hell of a lot going on lately, that I just want to forget."

"Have you been drinking?"

"No. Um, for a while I considered going back to gambling" – I saw Claudia check her clipboard again – "but I realized I couldn't do that to my Captain, after all he did to help dig me out of that hole in the first place."

"But I see you have gotten a bit…aggressive? Those are some pretty nasty bruises on your knuckles," she told me.

"Yeah. I guess I've hit, well, a mirror, a granite countertop, the fridge, and a wall," I said sheepishly.

"You know that means I'm going to have to recommend anger management," Claudia explained.

I sighed. "Yeah."

"But right now, I think the important thing is your eating. Why don't you tell me about that? The NYPD file we have for you puts your weight at 110 but right now it is only at 98. 12 pounds is a lot to lose for someone as small as you are already."

So far, Claudia hadn't made the greatest impression. She didn't exactly seem like the person I would want to talk to. So I didn't. "No, I don't want to talk about it."

"You're going to have to sometime. A Captain Don Cragen has insisted upon a psychological evaluation before you're permitted to go back to work."

Crap. A psych eval? I knew I could never pass one of those in the state I was in now. "Whatever."

A couple of mornings later, Claudia walked into my room with one of those protein shakes that looks gross and probably has about 2000 calories in it. It tasted gross too. If they wanted us to eat there, they should have given us ice cream or something.

That same day, Claudia made me go to a support group for other women with eating troubles and/or anger management. I didn't want to go but I had to anyway.

When I got there, I sat with my forearms resting on my thighs and hands folded together, kind of looking at everyone through my eyelashes.

"Hello," said the woman who ran the support group. "I'm Kayla."

No one really responded. In fact, everyone looked about as thrilled to be there as I was. I made eye contact with the woman sitting across from me. She had sandy-colored hair and the biggest brown eyes I'd ever seen. She was beautiful. She also had a long, thin scar running up the inside of her arm and her knuckles were even more torn up than mine. She gave me the tiniest smile.

We all had to tell our stories. When it got to me, I said "I'm Amanda. My sister had an abusive boyfriend who raped her. I shot him and then my sister revealed she'd set me up for murder. Then I found her dead on the sidewalk and no one could tell me how she died."

Kayla nodded. "And how do you feel about all that, Amanda?"

"Guilty, sick, worried, incompetent, sad beyond belief, wishing it could just be over." Then I looked back at the girl with the scar, whose name turned out to be Kelsey. "Not in that way, though. I'm not going to eat my gun."

Kelsey looked at me, confused. "I'm a cop. You know. Shoot myself."

Then I saw her face contort into something else. She started shaking and her eyes glassed over. I guessed she was having a flashback, but I didn't know what I could have said. That's when I saw another mark on her. On her neck. The mark only made by the grazing of a bullet. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I told Kayla. "If I'd known,"

"It's okay," Kayla told me while she talked Kelsey out of her flashback. "She's going to be fine. And so are you."

I was confused as to what she meant. Then I realized I was crying again. I didn't want to end up like Kelsey, but I felt like I was slipping. And this time, I wasn't sure if Olivia would be able to pull me back up.


	7. Speak

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 7 (Speak)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**On a totally unrelated side note, I just realized in real life Mariska Hargitay is married to the guy who plays Trevor Langan. That's crazy! How did I not know that!? **

When we had some free time to walk around the hospital, I did a little investigating and found Kelsey's hospital records and room number. As it turned out, she suffered from severe PTSD and had a flashback with almost every mention of, well anything pretty much.

I went up to her room to talk to her when her schedule said no nurses would be there for the next hour. I guessed that she was on suicide watch.

"Hi," I said, not wanting to seem too weird, "I'm-"

"Amanda, I remember. From therapy."

"Yeah. First off, I'm real sorry. My sister died, as you know, and I've been feeling really aggressive."

Unconsciously, she ran her fingers along the torn skin on her knuckles. "Me too. God, I hate how they treat us here, like we're time bombs about to go off. I swear, we're probably all on suicide watch anyway."

I didn't say anything.

"So, what brings you here?"

"I think we both need to talk."

"Yeah, you're right," Kelsey smiled, "because I'm sure as hell not going to talk to that psycho lady Claudia. I think she makes my PTSD worse than it is... How did she even become a therapist?"

Anyway we laughed and talked and it was just nice to forget that we were in a hospital.

When I returned to my room, I heard voices that sounded almost as if they were debating whether to go in and see me. I smiled when I realized Nick was one of them. He stepped into my hospital room.

"Hey, Nick."

"Hey, Amanda, how are they treating you?"

I forced a smile. "Okay."

"Listen Amanda, I have something important to tell you..."


	8. Victim

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 8 (Victim)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Thanks for the great reviews, _Little Isis_,_ DetectiveObesessed_,_ and Guest_.**

I looked up at Nick. I must have looked pretty pathetic, lying there in a hospital bed with that awful gown and permanent tear tracks on my face. But, I figured it had to be good news that Nick wanted to come see me in the first place, so I sat up.

"What's up?"

"You know, when I first came to SVU I wasn't sure about you. But slowly…as Maria and I drifted apart…I began to find that I was being pulled towards you," he said sheepishly.

"You know, I don't get it. Murphy and McCourt, and that whole deal…and then my sister…I'm damaged goods, Nick. I just don't get what you see in me." I tried to be cautious, and I didn't want to scare Nick off or anything like that.

"Amanda…all I see is that through all this, you're not giving up." Before I could react, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I grinned.

"Fin and Munch are here too, I told them I'd go in first though. Wasn't sure if you'd want to see them…"

"I heard that!" called a voice from the hallway, and of course it was none other than Munch.

"No, let them come in," I told Nick.

"Some other people are here too. Um, that would be Liv, Cragen, a Mrs. Thea Rollins, and a Captain Davis."

"Tell everyone they can come in, except my mom…hold on. Wait, did you say Captain Davis?"

"Yeah…why?"

"Nonononononono. You cannot let him in, under any circumstances." I must have said that pretty loud because Olivia and Cragen walked in just then.

"Hey Amanda," Liv said. "I was just telling Captain Davis to leave," she said with a pointed glance toward Fin who nodded and turned around.

"What's going on?" Nick and Cragen asked at the same time.

Olivia whispered something to them, and then Nick looked surprised while Cragen looked sympathetic. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling sad anymore at all. I was just feeling angry.

"STOP TREATING ME LIKE A VICTIM! I'M FINE! YOU'RE TWISTING EVERYTHING AROUND TO MAKE ME SOUND SO PATHETIC AND I'M JUST TOO TIRED OF IT. Mom, I'm so sorry about Kim. It's all my fault. I never stopped Dad from abusing her..."

Olivia looked at Cragen. I knew that she was aware of what happened with Davis, but I never told her about the abuse. I guess it was all on the table now...

"Davis, leave. Now. You took from me what I'll never get back, ever, and I don't know if I can ever forgive you for it. Olivia and Fin, I'm not one of the victims you see every day. I can handle myself. I'm a cop. I'm so sorry." I hoped I wasn't crying again.

One of the nurses told everyone to leave, all except for Nick because I suppose they thought he was my boyfriend. I wasn't going to argue.

"Look, Amanda, you've got us wrong. I don't see you as a victim at all. Your childhood, the assault…your sister, all that only makes you stronger. Do you think I'm suddenly going to see Olivia differently because of what she told us?"

"What?"

"Crap, she didn't tell you, did she? Amanda, why do you think Olivia never talks about her dad? Why do you think she's been in this squad for 14 years? Why do you think her mom was a drunk? And why did she let that mother go, who didn't want her child to meet his father?"

I realized rather suddenly what Nick was talking about, and then called Olivia back into the hospital room.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been selfish, haven't I?"

"What do you mean?"

"Olivia, I had no idea about your mother! I don't know what to say," I said.

"Amanda, look. Here's the thing about this squad. We've all been through a lot. Every one of us. But that doesn't stop any of us from being here for one another, right?"

"Right." Olivia, Nick and I wrapped into a big group hug.


	9. Home

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 9 (Home)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

"All right, Amanda, we're going to let you leave, but I've already told Olivia, Fin, Nick, Cragen and Munch that they have to keep an eye on you, and make sure you're eating. So don't try anything, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed. Anything to get out of there! I was actually feeling a lot better, I was still sad every day but I thought of something Olivia had said: "I'm still not over it, I'll never be over it, but I can live with it now." I saw then what Olivia meant. The abuse, the assault, Kim, everything. I was going to stop denying everything, and start trying to live with it.

Olivia and Nick drove me home. I expected them to act awkward in the car, but they must have discussed ahead of time what to say because they just started making small talk.

"How's Cassidy?" Liv smiled and Nick scowled. She nudged him.

"Cassidy's doing great. We just really get each other, you know?"

"So," Nick added, slightly sarcastically, "his skeletons don't bother you?"

"We all have demons," Liv reminded him. Suddenly I realized how little I knew about Nick's past. I'd have to ask him as soon as I could. Then Olivia asked Nick, "How's your son Gil?"

"I finally told him he was my son," Nick revealed to us. He tried to sound nonchalant, but I could see the confliction in his eyes. I really hoped he and Cynthia could work out a 'healthy friendship' but no more than that. But I really didn't want things to be awkward for anyone. Although Munch and Cassidy seemed to think Nick was immature, I thought he was stepping up a lot with his son. Also, even though I didn't necessarily agree with Nick holding a gun to Cassidy's head, I liked both guys a lot and decided to stay out of it.

Cassidy was just an interesting character. I didn't know much about him, except that he'd worked SVU for a while in 1999 and that he was accused of rape. Even Olivia almost believed him for a minute, I think. I was glad they hadn't broken up, on the courthouse steps. Liv deserved to be happy.

Nick then turned to me. "And what about you, Amanda, how's it going?"

I managed to smile. "I'm going to be okay, guys. I'm working on, like, not denying it, you know? I mean, I'm going to try to live with it. Kind of like what you said earlier, Olivia."

"That's good Amanda, that's good. My colleague and friend Agent George Huang, FBI psychiatrist, is back in town from Oklahoma. I'd like you to talk to him. I think the two of you would get along well. Definitely better than you got on with Elizabeth Olivet."

"Okay," I said, "so tell me about some recent cases."

Liv looked at Nick. I could almost see in her eyes, 'don't talk about Kim'. So she said, "Well, there was a 10 year old boy who was a psychopath, had us all pretty creeped out, I think."

Suddenly Nick lifted up his shirt. A still-fresh bullet hole was in his abdomen. I gasped. "Oh my gosh, Nick, are you okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah. But like Liv said, scary case. Anyway, do you think you're ready to come back to work?"

I wasn't sure, but I nodded too. "Yeah."


	10. Beginning

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 10 (Beginning)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Please review!**

Cragen didn't want me to go back to work, but Claudia had technically cleared me, so I went anyway. Liv kept trying to check up on me, but I always directed the questions back to her. It sounded like her and Cassidy were getting pretty serious, like meet the parents serious. _Nick's mom is nice,_ I thought. I'd seen her at the precinct once, the day Nick had gotten yelled at by Don for making a scene with his wife.

Later, I was at home in my empty apartment. Nick asked me if I'd ordered furniture and stuff while I'd been staying at Olivia's. I told him yes, but I hadn't been able to do it. I sat on the carpet. All I had in my entire house was a suitcase with some clothes I'd kept at the precinct (Munch had _almost_ been tactful enough not to mention that I showed up at work wearing the same three or four outfits), a chair, a fork, the bedframe, my toothbrush, and the cloth cover that goes over the arm of the sofa. I couldn't understand how Kim got the stuff out. She took a freaking armchair! And here I was saying she'd never planned a damn thing in her life...

There was a knock on my door. My hand instinctively went to the gun on my hip. I was still a little anxious to be back in my apartment. I opened the door. "Nick?"

He looked around. "I was right," he noted simply. "I thought about it, and this is none of my business, but furniture costs a lot, and you financial situation isn't ideal. Plus, you acted a bit...hostile toward your mom in the hospital. I figured you likely wouldn't be borrowing money from her. So I came to check up on you."

My face flamed. "Nick..." but he was right. With Murphy and McCourt in jail, I didn't owe the 20K anymore. But I was still practically bankrupt. My paycheck went paying back the landlord and car dealership. I didn't have the financial means to buy unnecessary items, like, oh, I don't know, a bed? Maybe a table?

"It's okay," he told me. "I'm not judging you. I just figured you'd need help. And, I wouldn't want to stay alone, in this apartment, if I were you."

I nodded, gesturing to the sofa cover which strategically covered a blood stain on the carpet that CSU hadn't been able to get off. Jeff's of course. I didn't have the money to clean it, and I didn't want to see it every day. I didn't exactly feel too...guilty for killing Jeff, but I wanted the whole incident behind me. Not very likely, of course, seeing as I didn't even have a bed or a TV.

"Maria's in DC," Nick went on, "and Zara will be here in a week. You can come stay with me - if you want," he finished quickly.

My breath hitched. "Really?"

He smiled. "Really."

"Will you tell me what you know about Kim?"

"I would if I could, but we don't know anything more about what happened, except a witness who saw her talking to someone in a green hoodie."

"Whoever did it must be very good," I added.

"Yeah. I thought Cragen and Liv should've given you the file, by the way. It sucks to be out of the loop, you know?"

"Like they're trying to protect me," I agreed.

"You have clothes, right?"

I held up a duffle bag and a few hangers. "Yeah."

"All right then, come on," he said. "We're getting in the car."

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

"Thanks, Nick."

"No problem. We have each other's backs, Amanda."

My breath caught in my throat again. Nick leaned toward me. I was surprised for a second, then I leaned in too. Our lips met softly.

"'Manda," he mumbled into my mouth. The kiss deepened, our hands tugging at each other's hair.

We pulled back and I looked him in the eye. I thought I'd be embarrassed, but I wasn't. He was gentle, too, I was not expecting that either.

Finally, we wrapped each other into a hug.

"Let's go, Amanda."


	11. Return

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 11 (Return)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

"So, you're going to talk to Huang after work today?" Olivia asked me at work a few days later. I nodded. It was time, really. Not only was I feeling down about being one of the last to talk to a victim before her suicide on our last case, I was a little pissed at Nick about this one because we'd been in a bit of a fight all day over a perp/victim, depending on who you asked.

"Good, good. I'm glad…" Liv trailed off. I didn't really need that much of her sympathy, so I turned toward my computer and started typing up a case file.

Munch walked over to me. "How do you do that, Rollins?"

"Do what?"

"Type that fast." He grinned. "Sometimes, I still have to ask Fin where the space bar is," he joked.

"That's what you get for being born into the age of typewriters," Nick told him. Then he walked over to my desk. "Amanda," he leaned toward me, "are we cool?"

I sighed. Nick had turned out to be right, so yes. "We're cool." I agreed. "Good." He handed me a catalogue. "My mom – Zara's abuelita, remember? She showed me this store that has cheap furniture, but good quality. I'd help you fund it, but I don't know how well that would go over."

Munch looked quizzically at Nick's too-familiar tone. "Okay," I said louder, "You were right, he had PTSD."

Nick nodded. Then I added, "So…where are you with Cynthia? And Maria, for that matter?"

Nick rubbed his chin as he always does when he's stressed. "Cynthia, Gil and I agreed that I'll be Gil's uncle, because it's simpler that way. And Maria…well like I said, she was textbook PTSD and I missed it…"

"Nick, it's not your fault…"

"Well to make a long story short, she's dating someone else, and, get this, I didn't even know she'd gone in for a psych eval, but she did and somehow that helped her decide to pass custody of Zara to me. So, it's you, me, and Zara, and Gil and Zara can play together sometimes," he smiled.

I did too. "I'd like that."

After work, I met George Huang for the first time. "Hello," he said. "I'm George. I'm with the FBI."

"I'm Amanda Rollins," I told him, even though I guess he knew already.

"So what do you want to talk about?" George asked me.

"You mean you're not just going to chuck questions at me like my old therapist?"

"Of course not."

"Well," I began, "I'm feeling a lot better about everything."

"That's good, and specifically?"

"I'm not crying every time I see a something that reminds me of my sister, or when my old captain's name comes up in the news, or when I get a phone call from my parents," I explained.

"And how are you dealing with the loss of your things?" he went on.

"Well, I don't have much money, because I guess you know about the gambling issue?"

Huang nodded. "Yes…"

"So I'm not exactly living at home right now."

"I see, and who is it that you're living with?"

I stayed silent, hoping he'd get the message. He did, and we talked for about 30 more minutes. I could definitely see why Olivia trusted this guy with her secrets.

I walked back to the squad room, surprised to see almost everyone still there. Suddenly, Fin, Munch, and a sobbing Melinda Warner showed up. I was about to run forward, but instinctually stayed where I was, hidden by the doorframe. Fin's hand was on Melinda's shoulder, talking to her, while Munch was running into Cragen's office. "Liv! Captain! We found out what happened to Kim…"


	12. Confession

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 12 (Confession)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Thanks for the great reviews****,**_** Centon4Eva**_**, **_**Little Isis**_**, **_**je-taime618**_**, and **_**Guest**_**.**

Olivia and Cragen looked up at the same time. "What?"

Melinda was still crying uncontrollably and then Liv walked over to her as Fin and Munch tried to explain.

"It was Jeff's brother," Munch said.

I froze. I'd expected something of the sort, but still it seemed off.

"And…" Cragen prompted.

Nick was typing on his computer. "Jeff's brother works at the Wal-Mart," he said.

"So?" Liv looked confused.

"So Melinda is the best ME around," Munch said, "and that's where the next part comes in, but I think that's Melinda's story to tell…"

Melinda wiped her eyes. "A few weeks ago, I had both Kim and Jeff in my morgue at the same time." That thought oddly disturbed me a lot. "I was able to find that Kim had been killed by scopolamine, which my lab tests for all the time. I also ran the DNA that was in the scopolamine sample, in case some of it wasn't Kim's. But the next morning, a man came into the morgue. I'd never seen him before. Suddenly, before I could react, he knocked me out with a tube of my own chloroform…"

"You were attacked?" Nick asked, and Melinda nodded.

"When I came to, he was standing over me. He made me promise not to tell anyone how Kim was killed. I didn't agree at first, but he had a gun, so finally, I said yes.

"I took DNA from under my fingernails where I'd scratched him and tested it with the scopolamine DNA, and they both came up as a match for Jeff's brother Ryan. I was just about ready to tell you guys anyway when I got a threatening phone call from him. Soon, he began texting me everything I was doing. He was stalking me, and he was very good. Every time I decided to tell you, I would get another threatening phone call…"

"So how did Fin and Munch find out just now?" Olivia asked gently.

"They came down to the morgue for some tests on another case, and my phone rang right in the middle of an autopsy. Munch picked it up, and it was Ryan. Soon, the whole story came out…"

Just as Cragen was about to say something, a man who looked suspiciously like Jeff and who walked the same as Jeff did when he was drunk stumbled into the room. He must have been heading for the morgue but was too drunk to remember the back entrance and came in the front.

"That's him, that's Ryan," Melinda said, looking scared. Fin walked over to him. "Ryan Parks, you are under arrest for the murder of Kim Rollins. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you. Do you understand these rights?"

Ryan just nodded. He still looked pretty drunk. Fin took him off to the holding cells. I stepped into the squad room.

I stared at Fin who stared at Melinda who stared at the Captain and so on. Then everyone looked at me. "I heard everything," I said.

"I'm so sorry," Melinda said to everyone.

"The important thing is that he's caught," Cragen told us.

Nothing had really sunk in yet, so I just sort of ambled out to my car, a little dazed. I drove back to Nick's apartment to meet Zara who was being dropped off by Maria that night.


	13. Genuine

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 13 (Genuine)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

Nick's apartment was empty when I got there. I looked around because I hadn't actually seen all the rooms since I'd been staying there.

There were 3 rooms I hadn't seen – Nicks' room, a closet, and a third room that must have been Zara's. Nick was a good dad; I could see Zara's room was what every little girl would hope for. There was a pink canopy bed, a white dresser and curtains, a chair filled with stuffed animals and princess posters on the pale pink walls. There was even a green sign saying "ZARA" on the wall, too.

I smiled, gently shutting the door. Then I looked into Nick's room. He had a queen sized bed and the room was an overall soft chestnut color. Maria must have taken a lot of the knick-knacks and things because the room looked quite empty.

The third room was a closet. You can gain a lot of insight to people's lives bu looking in their closets, as I found when I looked in Kim's once. Hers contained cocaine, marijuana, and various drug paraphernalia. Nick's contained six jackets – three his, two Zara's, and one that must have belonged to Maria at one point or another. There was also a pile of hats and one of shoes.

As I was shutting the closed, the front door clicked open. There stood Nick and a timid-looking young girl. She couldn't have been more than six or seven. "You must be Zara," I said sweetly.

"Yes," she said timidly, "I'm almost eight." Little kids always say that – they're _almost_ the next age. It wears off after about fifteen, when you want to be older, then starting at probably 40 you want to be younger. I was 32, so I wouldn't know yet. I wondered how old Nick was. He was born in 1975, so that would make him 38.

"This is Amanda, my…" Nick paused. I wondered what he was going to say. Coworker? Girlfriend? Future wife? _Shut up Amanda,_ I told myself. "My friend," Nick finished.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Zara asked. I guessed she'd been watching too many of those teen TV shows, like, what was on then? iCarly? Victorious? "Well, are you?"

"Maybe someday, Zara," I said. "Maybe someday." Then I looked at Nick. "Tell her," I mouthed.

"Zara," Nick began, "do you…like living with Mommy a lot?"

"Don't tell her, but I like it better with you," little Zara admitted.

"Well, then how would you feel if you maybe only saw Mommy once in a while, and you would mostly live with Daddy?"

Zara jumped up onto her dad. "I would miss my mommy, but I would like to live here. Amanda is going to live here too?" She looked up, but I couldn't tell if her eyes were hopeful or afraid. "Yes, Zara, I'm living here for a while too," I said.

Soon, Zara was heading for bed. I swear, she was the sweetest thing ever. "I have my pj's, my blanket, and my stuffies," she informed her dad. "Come tuck me in."

"Okay, Zar, there's just one more thing," Nick said.

"What's that, Daddy?"

"There's a little boy I want you to meet soon. His name's Gil and I think you'll like him a lot. He's nine. The two of you can maybe have playdates sometimes."

"Okay," Zara agreed sleepily.

"Resilient little girl," I remarked to Nick. "She's bouncing back from so much – the divorce, the custody crap, me…living here with you…all that's bound to be hard on any little girl."

Nick nodded thoughtfully. "You're acting pretty resilient yourself," he said, "but I think you were just pretending to feel better for the psych eval. I'm here, you know."

I scoffed. "You have your own problems," I said.

"But you're helping with Zara," he pointed out.

"How?" I asked.

"Just by being here, Amanda, just by being here."

He kissed me gently. Suddenly, my phone rang. It was Cragen.

"Rollins?"

"Yeah, Cap? What's going on?"

"Ryan Parks is missing from his holding cell…"


	14. Shot

**Story: The Aftermath  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 14 (Shot)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Please review!**

"Amanda...Amanda..." Fin's voice faded out as I lost consciousness. Damn, I didn't know being shot would hurt that much...

This week was really hard on the whole squad. Even though my shoulder hurt like hell, I tried to support everyone as much as possible. I heard Fin over the radio, and heard later that after he'd said "shoot me and get it over with" he'd ripped off his Kevlar. I was terrified for him, in addition to the fact that that girl was extremely unstable and Fin could've gotten badly hurt.

Throughout all this, Nick was super supportive and I think we got a lot closer. Plus, the kissing had, well, as Zara would put it, "leveled up."

Zara was great, by the way. She was the sweetest little thing. Anyway, a few days after the shooting, Zara and Gil were both over at Nick's place. My shoulder injury was pretty painful so Nick was helping me ice it (which, by the way, was quite noble considering how the skin looked as it healed over). When I told the kids what happened, Zara looked worried but Gil looked scared.

I took him aside to talk to him about it. Turns out, he wanted to be a cop just like his "uncle" Nick. Could something like this happen to him, he wondered. The kid was almost 10, so I debated what I could tell him. Finally I decided on, "Gil, you know that police officers get hurt sometimes, right?"

"Yeah," he told me.

"But not very often, and I'm going to be just fine, right?"

"Right." Gil agreed.

Later on, I got a chance to talk to Zara. It seemed as though, because of Maria's PTSD, she was missing having a woman around. So Zara and I just chatted about her school, she did my hair, and with my one hand I showed her how to paint her nails. Awhile later on in the night, Zara started crying.

"Zara honey, what's wrong?" I said.

"Are you going to be my new mom?" she asked, a little confused.

Absolutely, I thought, someday. But what I said was, "Zara honey, I'm staying here because my sister stole all my furniture, and now I can't find her. So my new furniture is going to take a long time to arrive in the mail, and that's why you, me, and Daddy are going to all live together."

"Okay." This answer seemed to satisfy her, and after Nick put Zara to bed and Cynthia picked up Gil, Nick and I sat down to talk.

"For real, Amanda, how are you doing?"

"When I came back to the squad after the shooting, Captain told me I'd have to talk to George again. Apparently, because of the shooting, plus he said that the first time I made it seem as though I was totally fine, a sign that I'm not," I explained.

"Do you agree with him?"

"Somewhat, I mean I still get nightmares and flashbacks" - Nick wrapped his arm around me - "I just wanted to think I was fine," I finished.

"Amanda, you don't have to be fine until you're ready."

"I'm not! I mean, Parks is still out there, and..."

"Shh...Amanda, you're okay..." Nick ran his fingers through my hair and stayed there until I fell asleep.


End file.
